In some ways, marriage is like merging onto the highway. It really only works well when both cars are committed to creating space for and respecting one another. Marriage takes both spouses being considerate, making room for one another, and being willing to yield to one another when necessary.
So, how can we ‘merge well’, not just in marriage, but in all the relationships around us?
Recently I asked a few couples who have been married many, many years a question just like this. Here are the pieces of wise, time-tested advice they shared:
Lying contaminates everything around it, and trust most of all. Even just a little of it, like a half-truth here or a hide over there, is an early warning sign of a deeper problem. Because if we’re willing to lie when it’s little, before long, we’ll find ourselves lying when it’s really, really big.
Lying is the beginning of compromise, destruction, and fallout, and the end of relationships.
Extra-marital affairs don’t happen suddenly. Lies pave the way—lies about the texts you’re sending, the conversations you’re having, what you’re doing, and the boundaries you’re crossing. Lies always lead us to a worse place because the goal of lying is to hide and cover up instead of expose and bring out into the open.
Proverbs 12:19-22 says, “Truthful words stand the test of time, but lies are soon exposed. Deceit fills hearts that are plotting evil; joy fills hearts that are planning peace! No harm comes to the godly, but the wicked have their fill of trouble. The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth.”
Proverbs 19:9 says, "A false witness will not go unpunished and a liar will be destroyed."
These verses show us that truth doesn’t have to worry. When you tell the truth, your story won’t change. There’s peace, security, and joy found in truth. But lying stresses us out. The lies are always revealed—and God detests every one. It disgusts Him to hear lies.
In relationships, lying always leads you and your loved ones to a worse place—and it exacts a hefty price.
No matter how good you may think you are at lying, you’re not. Trust me, people way, way smarter than you and I have tried it, and they’ve been found out, because lies always get revealed.
Instead of assuming the worst, when you’re consistently truthful, you build a relationship that gives you the benefit of the doubt in uncertain situations.
Colossians 3:8-10 says,
“But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him.”
When you consistently tell the truth, you aren’t creating a relationship of paranoia. You’ve invested in, you’ve planted, honesty. The fruit of that is trust.
On the flip side, if you’ve been lying in your relationships, covering things up, and hiding the truth, don’t complain because you don’t get the benefit of the doubt anymore.
Remember, just a little lying contaminates the whole relationship.
Whether at home, at work, with your parents, with your spouse, or with your grown kids—if you don’t communicate your expectations, it’s not realistic to expect them to be met.
All of us have expectations in our relationships. We have expectations about how our spouse will act and treat us, how our kids will behave and what kind of boundaries they’ll put in place, how our friendships will go, how our parents will conduct themselves, and so on. There’s no problem in having these expectations. But the fallout happens when we don’t communicate those expectations clearly and constantly.
I specifically say communicate and not talk, because there’s a massive difference between talking about your expectations and communicating them well to your spouse, loved one, or friend.
If we want to communicate our expectations, we have to do so purposefully. Not just with talking, but also with listening.
When we start talking about our expectations, sometimes it gets tense. The other person may become defensive, and it’s easy to let the conversation get out of hand. Why? Because when we’re talking, we’re not listening. We’re just waiting for the other person to stop talking so we can make our next point. In other words, we’re not listening for understanding.
The Bible actually addresses this specifically in James 1:19:
“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”
Then again in Proverbs 18:13:
“Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.”
If you don’t want to get frustrated and aggravated every time you have an “expectations conversation” then don’t just talk about your expectations, but communicate them thoughtfully while listening for understanding.
Proverbs 25:13 says:
“Trustworthy messengers refresh like snow in summer. They revive the spirit of their employer.”
Are you a trustworthy messenger in your relationships? Or do you just shut down and stay quiet? Remember, agreeing isn’t the same as communicating.
It’s one thing to struggle to communicate your expectations in a healthy way. It’s another to stop communicating altogether. When that happens, a coldness starts to set in within the relationship. Where there once was intimacy, there becomes aggressiveness and distance.
So many times we can be talking to one another, but if we’re not carefully listening too, we start to hear what we want to hear, instead of hearing what’s actually being said.
There isn’t a person out there who can guess what your expectations are without you telling them—especially if you’re no longer listening to one another.
Genesis 2 explains that a man should leave his father and mother and become one with his spouse. Jesus says in Matthew 19:5-6, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’. So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
But there are several things that tend to get in the way of our relationship with our spouse—even to the point of coming in front of them:
There’s nothing on earth more important than your spouse. Not a car, finances, savings accounts, interests, or other people. Our spouse shouldn’t just be a priority, they should be our main priority.
I love the quote by Dave Willis that says, "Great marriages don't happen by luck or by accident. They are the result of consistent investment of time, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, affection, prayer, mutual respect, and a rock solid commitment between a husband and a wife.”
This isn’t just true in marriage, but in every relationship. The more we love Jesus, the better friend, parent, son or daughter, neighbor, student, and employee or boss we become.
Jesus said the greatest commandment is to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, because apart from Him we can do nothing. We can’t love others with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength if we don’t love Him first.
When I relied on my own strength and abilities, I loved in a selfish and self-centered way. But with God, we’re able to love like 1 Corinthians 13 says: “patient and kind.” Aren’t these the definition of what a spiritual, spirit-filled love looks like?
We can say we love people. But if our actions don’t back it up, we’re speaking a false gospel.
You and I, as followers of Christ, are called to have marriages that look radically different. If you’re going to make it for the long haul, you have to love Jesus with all you have. Because when you do that, it leads you to a better way of loving others—as a spouse, friend, parent, co-worker, student, and every role you find yourself in.